Controlling People

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague the other day about what he was looking for in a spouse.  My office mate and I couldn't help but warn him that the traits he were describing would likely come with an assertive and controlling woman.  His response?

I am hoping that the security I provide will offset her need to be in control.

His insight to why a woman would be controlling caught me off guard, and even more so his sense of responsibility to mitigate that control.  Women are so independent these days that many men have abandoned any sense of responsibility to meet the needs of their wives.

We started thinking about all the ways security could be built with someone (man or woman) who lives in a state of insecurity, and therefore, feels the need to be in control.  In summary...

Be Committed

• Nothing alleviates fear more than having someone to lean on through thick and thin.  You know you can count on this person for the small things and more importantly, the big things in life.  Building this level of trust takes time and consistency.  Do you follow through on your commitments?  Or do you drop the ball and then turn around and get upset with the person who is holding you accountable to what you committed to?  I will be the first to admit that it can sometimes be challenging, and often times I will fall short, but what is important is to realize that my lack of commitment is not anyone's fault but my own.  So, if I want to be upset, be upset at myself, realize that I should have done better, and then do better the next time knowing that my end goal is to build trust with my partner.

Be Responsible

• Controlling people feel the need to always watch their own backs, so they try to have their hand in anything they can touch to create a "secure" environment.  Of course the security is an illusion because sometimes life just happens, but it sure does feel good to know that you're making smart decisions to stay prepared and avoid as much turmoil as possible!  When you're in a partnership, your decisions as independent as they might feel, are never in isolation of your partner.  If you have made bad decisions in the past and your partner has accepted them, wonderful!  Clean slate and full steam ahead!  But don't continue to make bad decisions and drag your spouse down with you.  I have been listening to Dave Ramsey, a financial guru, who refers to the child within all of us who "wants it now!".  We want the new Chanel purse, so we're willing to pour out our savings to purchase it when we should be investing in our future and putting that money into retirement.  We want to have fun now, so we eat the greasy foods and waste money on a bunch of junk food when we have been committed to working our butts off to living a healthier lifestyle.  Wait, that's not fun so I don't want to live healthy anymore.  Or, no one's perfect so hand me that bacon!  Doing so only results in a loss of momentum and demonstrates to others that you're not serious about your commitments.  Choosing immediate gratification over discipline and responsibility screams emotional immaturity.  It is feeding the inner child within us vs. making responsible adult decisions.  To once again quote Dave Ramsey "Those who live like no one else, will live like no one else."  No one is saying that you have to live rigidly forever, but if your goal is to build a partnership with security and trust, then make the sacrifices now and reap the benefits later.

 Be a Leader

• Trying to maintain control is tiring.  Most controlling people would love to sit back and relax and have someone else take the reigns for once.  But controlling people don't just "follow" anyone.  They choose their leaders wisely, carefully observing how others are living and typically align themselves with those who have aspects of their lives that they admire.  This is actually one of the many traits of successful people.  We all learn from each other, so it is important to surround yourself with people who will continually lift you up.  Would you want to follow you given where you are in life today, both from a emotional and responsibility standpoint?  You should be an addition to your partner's life where without you, they would have not grown into the amazing person they are today, or they would have never achieved an amazing milestone in their life!  Light the fire within you to be an amazing partner and start leading by example. The rest will follow.

Finally, by no means am I indicating that someone who is controlling does not have issues of their own or that it is entirely up to the partner to "fix" everything that is "broken".  This is merely a summary of a conversation that I want to share and remember.